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Christmas with Santa MrMiller
Fan Commentary, by Mr. Miller
December 21, 2007
First and foremost, I want to wish everyone a Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year. Not Happy Holidays, Seasons Greetings, Winter Festival or any variation thereof. After all, the way I see it, real hockey fans aren't offended by a chopped down tree covered with lights...
With that out of the way, let's dig right into Santa Miller's bag-o-goodies and see just how naughty or nice Chicago Blackhawk players have been since opening day 2007.
 When it comes to bad luck and injuries, Martin Havlat has to be at the top of the list in the Chicago locker-room. Going back to his final season in Ottawa, Havlat seems to have missed many more games than he's played. For him, Santa MrMiller has a "Rush Medical Center Gift Card" good for $20 off his next emergency room visit. It's only good for 30 days, but I don't doubt that it'll get used.
Overall first pick in the 2007 draft, Patrick Kane has not disappointed Blackhawk fans. His 8 goals, 24 assists and 32 points lead all NHL rookies in scoring. It's too bad the kid doesn't weigh much more than a buck-oh-five (ok, 170 lbs. officially). For Christmas, he gets a year supply of high-calorie, high-energy protein shakes. Perhaps by next season he can weigh more than his equipment bag - not that he ever has to carry it or anything.
Nikolai Khabibulin should probably get money in his stocking. Because if he doesn't, as we all know, he'll probably just hold-out until he does.
Next up is the other rookie standout, Jonathan Toews. Despite being a former 3rd overall draft pick and signing an entry level deal for more money than I'll ever make in my lifetime, Toews' gift is a no-brainer: acting lessons from long time thespian Leslie Nielsen. He's almost mastered the hockey part of his life but improvement is needed for his time in front of a camera. Therefore, a little help from good ol' Lieutenant Frank Drebin is in order. Besides, I'd like his Calder Trophy acceptance speech to go without a hitch.
 For Dustin Byfuglien, your very own Hooked on Phonics Adult Edition. Seriously, how do you, your parents, or anyone get "Buff-lin" out of that?
There's not much that Santa can bring Andrei Zyuzin and Sergei Samsonov in terms of skills or production. Both of these guys fall right into the mold of past Russian hockey players in Chicago and simply are not very good. But a bottle of Vodka and some time with Boris Mironov could do the fans of Chicago a lot of good. Perhaps Boris could convince them to quit and walk away.
Robert Lang, Jason Williams, and Martin Lapointe. The three of you have produced and filled your roles quite well with the 'Hawks. But you're all former Red Wings and we all know Detroit sucks. Your gifts are on reserve. Until Santa sees you put a beat-down on Chelios, Draper and Maltby respectively - you can forget about receiving your autographed 8" x 10" of Jeremy Piven from his classic "Detroit Sucks" commercial.
 And last, and certainly least, David Koci. Santa has a lot of presents for you Mr. Koci.
- First is a titanium nose. Trust me, you need it.
- Secondly, a pair of just skates just like the pros wear! They may not help you play any better, but at least you might look the part.
- A pair of tickets to watch "The Blackhawk Cup" finals at the United Center. Pay close attention, thier skill level is the next on your ladder of development.
- And finally, a word of advice: get better or stop playing. At the very least, look into joining the same men's league that Theo Fluery now plays.
Santa MrMiller has other presents to deliver as well. Chris Simon of the Islanders most certainly deserves coal in his stocking. And lots of it. Although if history is any indication, he'll just use it as a weapon when he no doubt gets thrown into prison someday.
Look for Santa MrMiller to be making a personal appearance at the United Center on December 30th vs. L.A. If you're lucky, female and still in college - you might just get invited to sit on Santa's lap between periods!
Have a wonderful Christmas everyone.
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